Thanatopsis- a view of death

All I can hear at this moment is the monotonous sound of tumble bugs and mercenaries 2…

I want to scream, I want to inflict harm, I want to release this tension inside me, I want to torture someone, I want to cut myself, I want to kick someone, I want to stab someone, I want to kill, I want to blow someone’s head. What happened to me? What is this feeling? They said I’m still in the state of shock. They also said that I’m experiencing a trauma. But I know deep inside, I am ok. The only problem is, that horrible memory is trapped inside my system.

I was standing there, I was just standing there, doing nothing. I know it’s not my fault but a part of me still blames myself for just standing there. I mastered CQC for 3 years. I punched half a dozen men in the past, 3 of them went home with a broken nose. I slapped 2 girls before, I scratched my best friend’s face in the past leaving a permanent mark on it, I paddled a guy before, I was the youngest and the only girl member of bikers society and I was even the leader of Wheelers before. But, I just stood there.

I let him slap my mom THREE TIMES, I let him draw his knife and point it to her. I was standing there, like a stupid dummy while he was trying to kill her.

What happened to me?

I am ashamed of myself. I don’t deserve respect from my gang mates. I don’t deserve the title “ASTIG”, “Gabriela Silang” and “SIGA” and I don’t deserve respect from society.

I am a coward…

I am nothing…

I am just a piece of shit…

I am a trash…

I won’t forget that face. I have this vivid memory of his face in my mind. A guy wearing an orange shirt, I never really like orange, actually I hate orange, I despise orange.

I love knives, I want to collect knives and swords. But after that incident, I don’t want to see knives anymore.

If they catch him, I think 10 thousand is enough for him. That’s the good side of corruption.
I will tie him up, and I will cut his skin with a blade and then I’ll pour alcohol. Then I’ll put iodized salt on his wounds. I want to hear him scream. I want to beat him, I want to kill him slowly.

But I can’t…

Even though he’s a thief, he is still God’s son…

Revenge is not the answer…

I know, God is not blind, GOD is not blind, God is not Blind, GOD IS NOT BLIND, GOD IS NOT BLIND…